Monday, December 28, 2009

The 10 Worst Films of 2009 & (Dis)Honorable Mentions.



It's that time of year again. There's still about a dozen films I haven't seen - many of which I'm simply unable TO see. Nevertheless, there's something to be said for comprehensiveness. At the end of this year, we're looking at a whopping 123 releases that I have seen (this is out of a recorded 342, mind you, and with many more still to be seen).

A handful of these are straight-to-DVD releases that may have played festivals in previous years, and perhaps even received a limited theatrical release by the end of 2008. Regardless, I wasn't able to see any of these films by any means, conventional or otherwise, in 2008, so they've ended up on this list.

As always, there are plenty of films I haven't seen simply because I. Am. Not. Interested. And there's an additional handful of films I'm quite interested in, that I'm certain will have no real bearing upon this list.

With that said, let the countdown begin:



#10. Friday the 13th (Dir. Marcus Nispel)

That's right. Here is a film that fails even to match the low standards set by the series PRIOR to this past February. Here is a film that displays a keen failure on the part of Nispel, on the part of the screenwriters, and on the part of the producers (the enemies of all things sacred: Platinum Dunes) to grasp what it is that makes the Friday the 13th series so gosh-darn wonderful. Nispel had already displayed a general disdain for/ignorance towards an absolute horror masterpiece with his 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so I suppose it was foolish to hope he'd approach a remake of a far less prestigious horror film with anything other than more of the same, but a hint of nuance would have been nice.
The film starts off promising, honestly. I was on board with the film through the opening title card. I thought it was a ballsy move on the part of the filmmakers, I really did. And then the rest of the film showed up, and - although I maintain that the Friday the 13th genre simply CANNOT be ruined - Marcus Nispel tried his damnedest to ruin it.

See instead: January's My Bloody Valentine 3-D plays up the camp inherent in its 3-D gimmick, and delivers plenty of fun whilst never taking itself too seriously and simply realizing that it could not approach the atmospheric and eerie nature of the original. It also got the original cut of its predecessor released on DVD at long last, with the excised gore scenes intact. So there's that.



#9. The Final Destination 3-D (Dir. David R. Ellis)

How do you take a concept seemingly tailor-made for 3-D and ruin it? If your answer was 'hire the director behind the most successful installment of the series to date,' then I'd be surprised. And yet, that's exactly what Ellis did. 'Death Saved the Best for Last'? Nice try, but no dice.

See instead: Halloween II. See it because it's completely, bug-fuck insane from beginning-to-end, but expect all of Zombie's trademark redneck-isms to not only remain intact, but to be dialed up to 11. What's shameful is that he HAS such evident talent, and he's saddled it with such awful material. Nevertheless, this film - despite its flaws - is well worth checking out. Just don't pay too much to see it.



#8. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (Dir. Neal Brennan)

Craig Robinson can't even save this movie, despite appearing as a character named DJ Request (who does not take requests). One of the most painfully un-funny comedies in recent memory.

See instead: Land of the Lost. Though the film is decidedly not family-friendly, this is the kind of film I could see myself watching over and over again as a child. The filmic equivalent of junk food cereal and Saturday morning cartoons, this film certainly didn't deserve to bomb at the box office like it did.



#7. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Dir. Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon)

I know what you're thinking - there's NO WAY it was that bad! Here I appear to be in the minority, but I simply could not tolerate the film from the first minute. There are no characters, there's no real story, and the entire animation aesthetic feels just...off. What should have been a delightful throwback to 1950s schlocky sci-fi B-movies, simply...isn't.

See instead: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, because it is the best 1980s blockbuster throwback since the 1980s, and even though its characters are the most broad archetypes imaginable, they're still characters, there's still some sort of story here, and there's a plethora of fun visual effects work on display.



#6. Cold Souls (Dir. Sophie Barthes)

Yeesh. Where do I begin. The Most Tedious Film of the Year. Not energetic enough to be truly awful, and not decisive enough to have anything to say, this film wastes considerable resources doing and saying nothing of any interest. The most cold, empty film in recent memory.

See instead: Visioneers. Both films are tiny indies with heady concepts executable on a low-budget, but Visioneers is much better at playing its premise for subtle laughs, and utilizes its also-excellent cast MUCH better than Cold Souls.



#5. Paper Heart (Dir. Nicolas Jasenovec)

A film about love made by people who could not be more naive or ignorant on the topic for people who are callow enough to listen to them. Personal vendetta aside ($12.50 spent on a ticket to this at the Angelika in New York!), the film is a mess that attempts to overcome its flaws with unconscionable levels of whimsy. This is the most insufferably precocious film of the year, potentially of all time.

See instead: (500) Days of Summer. Because next to Paper Heart, this film is a freaking paean to nuance and wisdom. Though I'm not terribly in love with the film, it literally does everything Paper Heart is trying to do, only better. An infinitely superior film covering like subject matter.



#4. Miss March (Dir. Zach Cregger, Trever Moore)

The Whitest Kids U Know are a clever sketch comedy troupe, and many of their sketches are quite humorous. I enjoy sharing many of their works with my friends, and find the two who made this film to be quite enjoyable in the videos in which they appear.
The only reason this isn't the worst film of the year is because, for some perverse reason, I have a soft spot for lame 1980s sex comedies. This is a throwback in the worst possible way, but it's still a throwback.
Craig Robinson cannot save this film, either, despite appearing as a character named Horsedick(.mpeg).

See instead: Jennifer's Body. Because the dialogue isn't quite as oppressively stylized as it was in the beginning of Juno. Because this is nowhere near as bad as you've likely been led to believe. And because this is a throwback to 1980s horror-comedies that manages to acutely recall their charms. And seriously, I say this as someone who's not the biggest Diablo Cody fan in the world and simply cannot watch The United States of Tara, her critically-revered show on Showtime, primarily because of the dialogue. This film is much better than it has any right to be, and deserves much better than the critical drubbing it received.



#3. All About Steve (Dir. Phil Trail)

I had no right seeing this movie, but Thomas Haden Church was in the film and I foolishly hoped he would salvage the film in some small way (and his scenes in the film are undoubtedly the most interesting). I was foolish to expect anything better than this. Sandra Bullock's other two films this year were surprisingly affable. This film is the absolute opposite of those, and is to be avoided at all cost.

See instead: The Proposal. Expect this film to pop up on Guilty Pleasures lists in the future by the dozens. In a perfect world, Betty White would be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. Put simply, this film is the reason I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. It's predictable, and no different from any other romantic comedy in any respect whatsoever...and yet, it works.



#2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Dir. Chris Weitz)

This film is bad on an epic scale, and for many reasons - but it avoids #1 because the worst film of the year is objectively the worst film of the year.
In addition to this, this film does give an independent studio with a track record for releasing interesting films by less-bankable filmmakers (such as Terrence Malick's upcoming Tree of Life, and Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker) more than enough extra capital to continue doing just that - and perhaps even money to begin marketing said films to bigger box office returns. So there's the up-side.
But this film is bad because 1) It allows Chris Weitz to shoot his mouth off at the now-defunct New Line Cinema - and however well-founded his accusations may be, they're just obnoxious. We know they didn't release YOUR CUT of The Golden Compass, and we've known that for a while. Perhaps you've had a rough time since that film sunk the studio, but you've managed to get work and at this point you're just being a bad sport. But I digress.
2) These films absolutely ruin vampires in every conceivable way, and are ultimately detrimental to our culture in much the same way a film like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is, as well.
The silver lining to this film's release and success? Taylor Lautner appears to be a pretty solid actor - affable enough, and probably more talented than I'm giving him credit for here, as he's survived the Twilight Saga to date.

See instead: Thirst. While not an unqualified success, Park Chan-Wook's latest brings everything one would expect the director of Oldboy to bring to a no-holds-barred vampire love story. This film is viciously violent, hopelessly romantic, and almost sadistically funny. There's nothing quite like it, and it stands comfortably alongside some of the more refreshing takes on the vampire genre in recent memory.



#1. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak)

Objectively, this is the worst film of the year. On a fundamental level - even in spite of Chris Klein's scenery-mastication every second he's in the frame - this film simply fails in every. single. respect. No film did more wrong more often than this film. This film is more offensively bad than New Moon, the characters more obnoxious than All About Steve, the aesthetic less inventive than Miss March, its thematic weight even lighter than Paper Heart, its cast less utilized than Cold Souls (although MUCH less promising in advance), its attempts to be a throw-back to the genre films of yesteryear less successful than Monsters Vs. Aliens, its awkward attempts at humor LESS funny than The Goods, its pedigree (renowned cinematographer Andrzej Bartkowiak behind the camera, directing) more misleading than The Final Destination 3-D, and its fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is appealing about its source material more egregious than even Marcus Nispel's remake/reboot of Friday the 13th. Categorically, this is the worst film of the year. Bad on an historic level.

See instead: The Other Nine Films On This List.

And now, the (Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - not substantial enough to earn my undying hatred, and actually contains one laugh-out-loud moment!

Dead Snow - More disappointing than anything, I was expecting something slightly less smugly sure of itself and more of a throw-back to an atmospheric or satiric zombie flick.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
- Its absence on the list of the 10 worst films of this year primarily illustrates my faults as a human being. I can't help but love watching giant robots fighting each other, even if I can't tell HOW exactly they're doing it. The film may be more than a touch racist, but it's subtle compared to...I dunno, Birth of a Nation or something. Everybody seems to like that movie okay.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Nothing overtly awful, just kind of dull and uninteresting. The first film had moments where I actually enjoyed myself, this one just felt tired.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - It's basically Die Hard, for kids, in a mall. All it really did was hurt the box office for Observe & Report, but that doesn't mean anything for future Jody Hill films because Hill, Danny McBride, and David Gordon Green have set up their own production shingle. So, really, this film was just a surprisingly successful effort and, really, everyone involved should furiously pat themselves on the back for a job well-done.

And here's a handful of almost painfully mediocre films that are nothing more or less than they promise:

The Men Who Stare At Goats - wastes a great story with a lackluster script.
The Surrogates - too slight to amount to anything.
Push - interesting setting, lacks any sense of urgency.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine - could have been written by a child (or the monkey from Congo)
9 - extremely disappointing story-wise, at least it features some brilliant animation.


Those are essentially the most mediocre films of the year, rounding out 20 of the worst.

There'll be much more decade stuff, and much more end-of-the-year stuff, but this will be it for tonight. There's a revolution going on Iran, and I have about 20-30 more films to finish before culling together a Best Films of 2009 list that even approaches comprehensiveness.

-Andrew Ford

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Decade That Was, Part I: [Thoughts] & My Decade of Flops



When this decade began, I was 11.

From what I can gather, this wasn't one of our better decades as a country. We ended up in a war for reasons that are dubious at best. We were the victims of a major terrorist attack, as well as the vindictive bitch-in-heat fury of Mother Nature. We literally only HALF-elected a president twice in a row who did more harm to this country and its image abroad than even the most cynical of political pundits could possibly have foreseen.

You know, context clues.

Of course it was a great decade for film. Out of adversity come great works, and in addition to the excellent batch of films we received this decade, technology made it feasible to enjoy them in the comfort of your own home in equal-or-greater quality than you could get in a theater. It was the age of the collector, it was the age of the DVD (and partially the Blu-Ray disc).

I bought my first DVD on my birthday in 2000 (Scream 3).

The illustrious first batch of DVDs was a grab-bag, but I remember vividly watching Gladiator for the first time that Christmas. I remember the old DVD player that I left hooked up wrong for nearly a year, where the picture would dim and then brighten, off-and-on, throughout the film, until I figured out how to hook it up properly.

And I suppose I could detail the discovery of every single film that lead me to pursue filmmaking as a potential career. Everything from my worn-out VHS copy of The Mummy (1999) to discovering Band of Outsiders my freshman year of college and literally standing up during the famous dancing scene in the cafe, where the music goes out and our narrator speaks, but we're also able to hear our characters still snapping in time with the song. I can't do it justice with words...



It may not seem so special now, but back in 2006, this was unlike anything I'd ever seen - and in such a simple way. Such a simple idea, well-executed. Godard opened me up to the language of cinema - regardless of the rest of his body of work, I owe him so much simply because of this one scene. Sure, Breathless and Contempt are masterpieces - particularly Contempt, but there's nothing like that first glimpse of his inimitable style. And for me, that happened to be with this film.

But I'm not here to discuss films past - I'm here as prelude to a discussion of films much more recent. I'm here to talk about this decade in film. It was a decade where I was discovering the classics alongside the films released every weekend. An average Friday night spent at home on Winter Break my Freshman year of college would consist of a triple-bill of The Rules of The Game, Wild Strawberries, and Rashomon on TCM - and a Saturday afternoon spent downloading the Oscar screener of Children of Men.

Which brings me to the internet, of course. Illegal downloading is frown-able-upon, I suppose - and I'm not even going to pretend I don't engage in it to an almost absurd degree - but if anyone can let me know how to contact the rights-holders of Inchon, I'll gladly get in touch with them in order to smooth out the legal issues concerning a DVD release. Until that time, however, I'll stick with my digital copy with out-of-sync audio that was recorded off of the now-defunct Moonie television network.

To close out this post, I'm going to list 10 ambitious flops from this decade that are actually worth checking out. Some of these, not all of these, are covered by Nathan Rabin's My Year of Flops articles on the A.V. Club. In these cases, I will link to said articles - because in a handful of cases, they're how I discovered the films.



#1. Southland Tales (2006)

You knew this was coming.

Also, what a gorgeous freaking poster, no?

Southland Tales, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin.

I'll keep things brief, as Rabin's article is top-notch, but let's just say I've seen this film several times, in each of its available iterations (via the internet, I've procured the Cannes Film Festival cut with showed on Sky TV in the UK, the other is the theatrical cut, available on DVD). Both versions are phenomenally dense, and never less than perplexing, but when Kelly's on his game, there's no filmmaker I'd rather follow on a descent into madness.



#2. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

I've heard arguments that this is genuinely a good movie, and I tend to agree with them, but there's no denying that this ludicrously ambitious effort hasn't quite been greeted with open arms by most. Let's just say it's a fun, 1980s-esque sci-fi actioner with a hint of mysticism to it and leave the comparisons to Avatar at that, shall we?



#3. Bad Boys II (2003)

Future generations will learn of our culture through this film, and this film alone. This remains Michael Bay's magnum opus, his crowning achievement, his masterpiece. Hell, the film even inspired Roger Ebert to ask if it was possible for a 'popcorn' film to 'out-popcorn' its audience. Perhaps, Mr. Ebert, perhaps, but if I'm to die of an overdose of something this amazing, this ball-shatteringly illiterate, this intoxicatingly insane, then so be it.



#4. Dreamcatcher (2003)

Dreamcatcher, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

As illustrated by Rabin's surreal recounting of the events of this film, what we have here is one of those blessed, all-too-rare instances where a lot of very talented people have an egregious lapse in judgment and choose to bring an atrocious, odd, and ultimately just ill-conceived project to completion. Directed by Lawrence Kasdan, Adapted by William Goldman, and starring among others the ever-noble Morgan Freeman and the unfortunately-Scientologist Jason Lee, this film should have lived up to the tension created by an excellent teaser trailer. It didn't. Smart went crazy. A mentally handicapable adult turns into an alien that saves the day. Maybe the mentally-handicapable have secretly been aliens testing our compassion all along? Maybe Stephen King was on a touch too many pain medications following his horrific car accident? Maybe, regardless, this film somehow makes the world a better place?



#5. The Wicker Man (2006)

The Wicker Man, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

I was fortunate enough to see this in theaters, before it became an internet sensation, and it remains one of the most incredible theater-going experiences of my entire life. There's a moment, about 20 minutes in, when the audience - who, mind you, had been on board through a lot of unconscionably hacky set-up at this point - turned on the film. It happens when Nicolas Cage is on a ferry, heading out to sea, and he thinks he sees the little girl he failed to save earlier in the film standing at the edge of the boat, looking out to sea.

An then all of a sudden a TRUCK comes out of NOWHERE and SMACKS into her!

And then Cage wakes up.

And the rest, my friends, must be seen to be fully understood and respected.



#6. It's All About Love (2003)

It's All About Love, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

Floating Ugandans. A medical anomaly where people's hearts simply stop beating. Sean Penn in an airplane for the entirety of the film, perpetually on a cell phone.

Ice skating Claire Danes clone assassins.

I've said enough. This film is too peculiar to pass up, and quite possibly some kind of David Lynch-esque mindfuck of the highest order.

That's right. I've seen it twice now, and I still don't know what the hell it's trying to do.



#7. Battlefield Earth (2000)

Battlefield Earth, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

John Travolta shepherds a different breed of crazy to the screen, and - if you can manage to make it through the entire film - somehow, you've become a more complete human being.

This is by no means a good film. This is simply a film whose hubris must be seen to be believed. (I mean, LOOK at those codpieces!)




#8. Babylon A.D. (2008) & The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
I only begin cheating here because both of these films are extremely complex, ever-so-slightly compromised works that create odd, unusual worlds and don't get anywhere near the attention they deserve for their ingenuity and their many peculiarities.
Babylon A.D. is essentially Children of Men only shorter, stranger, and altogether less interesting (although it possesses remarkably inventive set-pieces).



Additionally, The Chronicles of Riddick's 'Underverse' remains one of the odder concepts introduced to science fiction film this decade.
Neither of these are anything too innovative, and any film in which the lead character outruns the sun certainly has its flaws, but both films are quite fascinating and remain strangely singular works from a pair of embattled auteurs, David Twohy and Mathieu Kassovitz.



#9. The Happening (2007)

Pound for idiotic pound, this is one of the the dumbest, most shockingly clueless films ever made. Naturally, it gets better (and funnier) with each passing viewing. Welcome to Killadelphia.

Short of John Leguizamo, none of the actors in this film turn in credible work, and nearly all of them are given something absolutely inane to say. Here, you can see the seams in the story even if you're not familiar with script structure. Shyamalan's effort is visible even to the naked, untrained eye. Ideas are introduced in one scene only because they must be established for the very next scene, with little thought given to character, tone, or suspense.

Honestly, this film is an absolute MUST-SEE. More fun than Shyamalan's previous misfire, Lady in the Water, and dumber than paste. Dumber than sea cucumbers. Less complex than most single-celled organisms. More awkward than a dugong. This film is the cinematic equivalent of your parents walking in on you masturbating.



#10. D-War (Dragon Wars) (2007)

D-War (Dragon Wars), My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

Craig Robinson has been in some awful movies, but this is by far the most enjoyable. A South Korean epic action film that clocks in at about 82 minutes, features some of the most brain-dead acting this side of the Twilight series, and surprisingly boasts some decent special effects (even if they are used to sell action scenes that are more than content to simply repeat what's come before).

Yes, it's garbage - and yes, it's a touch too ambitious, but there are much, MUCH worse ways you can find to spend 82 minutes.

Honorable Mentions:

11. Torque (2004) - Here is a film that not only defies the laws of physics, it leaves a flaming bag of excrement on physics' doorstep.

12. House of the Dead/Postal (2003/2008) - Here's a pair of flip-sides to the Uwe Boll oeuvre of grotesqueries. One unintentionally seals its fate as one of the most unimaginably awful films ever made (while remaining hilarious), while the other serves as some strange missing link of spoof films that fits somewhere between the Zucker Bros. and the Friedberg/Seltzer abortions.

13. Van Helsing (2004) - Hey, I like it. Leave me alone.

14. War, Inc. (2008) - Mining the same vein of insanity as Southland Tales, this one's definitely worth a look if you're a John Cusack, Hilary Duff, or Montel Williams fan. Yes, they're all in this film.

I'd make a list of what films to avoid, but that would be nearly endless - and could possibly lead to my head exploding.

____________________________________________________

And now, come the end of the decade, I've turned 21 and must once again this New Year's resolve to put away childish things, gain wisdom, get a good job and, hopefully, one day be married for my ample fortune.

In all seriousness, this could be the beginning of the very last annual/decade list I'll ever create, as I hope to be busy with a job/career in the near future, so I'll leave you all with this, in the spirit of the decade, and all that it stood for:



- Andrew Ford

Monday, September 14, 2009

Episode 7 - Cemetery Without Crosses & The Shooting

In this long awaited episode we discuss the weird and surreal Spaghetti Western "Cemetery Without Crosses" and the Monte Hellman (Two Lane Blacktop, Cockfighter) directed Warren Oates starring, "The Shooting".

PLAY/DOWNLOAD

Cemetery Without Crosses & The Shooting Trailers



My Life Through Sylvester Stallone Movies

“My Life Through Sylvester Stallone Movies”
By Eli J Osman

Being a film fanatic and spending most of my waking life thinking, talking, and/or watching movies. Each film I’ve seen has its own special moment to me; some moments are small and some are lost or some barely remembered. Some even involve the films of beloved actor, writer, director, and for a limited time country singer, Sylvester Stallone.

Demolition Man (1993)
Character – John Spartan


I once ate dinner under the naked frozen body of Stallone from this movie at a Planet Hollywood restaurant in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was really surreal and a little unsettling eating my New York style Cheesecake under a naked frozen body. I took a picture with my disposable camera. The cheesecake was good.

Judge Dredd (1995)
Character – Judge Dredd


After seeing this movie when it came out on video, I spent an entire week afterwards constantly repeating the line, “I AM THE LAW” in brilliant Stallone fashion. This process would repeat after every viewing.

Oscar (1991)
Character – Angelo ‘Snaps’ Provolone


I once saw someone selling one hundred copies of the DVD on eBay with a “Buy it now” price of $300. It was very tempting to purchase this lot of one hundred DVDs. Who in their right mind would sell one hundred copies of the same movie, especially a mediocre screwball gangster comedy from the early nineties? I assumed the only person who would have one hundred copies of Oscar in the first place, would be director John Landis or Stallone himself. If in the future, I randomly give you a copy of Oscar on DVD one of two things has happened; I have ran into some extra cash or I have got completely insane.

Victory (1981)
Character – Captain Robert Hatch


This was the first and as of now the only movie, I saw that feature an actor with the last name of Osman. Sadly, that actor played a Nazi.

Over the Top (1987)
Character – Lincoln Hawk


Because of this movie, I refer arm wrestling as playing “Over the Top”. But I always have to explain myself every time I use it.

The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (1970)
Character – Stud


This is Stallone’s first movie. It is also a softcore porn. My only viewing of this film was with a group of people I had just met. I was currently working on a horror short film and went to a guy house to get my stomach casted so I could get my guts ripped out. His roommates just got back from seeing porn star Ron Jeremy speak and was in the mood to watch some cheesy seventies porn. As his roommates piled in the living room, I was standing in the middle of the room with my shirt off having my stomach rubbed down with plaster. To make matters even stranger, one of his roommates started taking pictures of this process for his portfolio. Oddly, his roommates seemed really jaded by a half naked guy getting a rub down in front of them while watching the love-makings of Stallone. I now sympathize with young aspiring actresses that get pressured into porn and I understand the mind of Sylvester Stallone. I realize, out of shame comes greatness.

Rambo (2008)
Character – John Rambo


GREATNESS.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Episode 6 - Stallone Phase I (Moms & Dancing)

Howdy,
Long time no see.

It's been awhile since we done an episode and it's also been awhile since we recorded this episode, but whatever. In this one of our finest episode, we discuss two unforgettable Stallone movies, Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot and Staying Alive. I think this is our best episode yet, but you'll be the judge.




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Thank You.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Episode 5 - MEGAFORCE BITCHES MEGAFORCE

Howdy Folks,

Welcome to the REAL Episode 5 - in which Eli and I discuss, amongst many many other things, the pilots of Victor Fresco (creator of "Better Off Ted" and others), and how easy it is to drown in Barry Bostwick's deep, deep blue eyes. Also - we talk about MEGAFORCE.



PLAY/DOWNLOAD


THANK YOU.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Automated Pilot - Unaired TV Pilot

Howdy Folks,

Since we are slow at making new episodes, I have decided to share with you the TV pilot we made here at Ohio University for the student run network AVW. This episode was for a show where every episode would be a pilot for a new show. The only episode features the pilot "Hobo-Town". A sitcom about Great Depression Hobos written entirely in Hobo lingo. They canceled us midway through our second episode. Which was called "Deadline 2000AD" and was about two guys running a newspaper in the Post-Apocalypse future in the year 2000. Any-who, here is the unaired pilot episode of Automated Pilot written by Andrew Ford and I and Directed by me. Also stay tune for the unaired Pilot for "The Eli Osman Show" a talk show I made in High School. Well its actually more of a warning than a stay tune.

Thank You.


Automated Pilot - Unaired TV Pilot from Eli Osman on Vimeo.


- Eli Osman

Monday, March 9, 2009

Episode 4 - Late Night Blah Blah Blah Emporium

Howdy.
In Episode 4, we discuss everything from Watchmen to the awesome TV show Wings even the the career of Cuba Gooding Jr with his films Boat Trip & Snow Dogs. In other words we have no actual topic. Enjoy.



PLAY/DOWNLOAD


Thank You.
- Eli J Osman

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Eli Osman on the Podcast, the World, and Watchmen

Howdy.

How are you?
I'm fine.

Well, here at "Late Night at the Movie Emporium" we have not been positing new episodes as often as we want. Due to the busy nature of our lives. For several reasons to boring to write we have not done a episode for a while. So pretty much, we've been slacking. The next proposed episode was Part 2 of our Ozploitation episode but we have not had the time to watch all the films we wanted to covering several films from 1980-1986. That episode will come in the near distant future.

(The Near Distant Future)

Our next episode
, which we will be record late tonight, will be posted tomorrow. The subject is unknown to me as of the moment, but whatever it will be it will be fueled by lots of coffee. We will probably wing it or something.


As for the world
. I'm sadden by our current economic crisis. Non of it truly effected me until the other day when I stopped at a Dairy Queen in Albany, Ohio. It was closed. Closed down due to lack of money I assume. I really wanted a ice cream cone. It was 60 some degrees outside and that's great whatever for ice cream. Someone should do something about this economic ice cream crisis. I hope Lord Obama will do something.


(Sweet Jesus this image is Sad. It makes me feel people emotions.)


As for the film Watchmen.



I have decided to not discuss Watchmen on the podcast. I don't speak for Andrew here, but I don't feel like talking about Watchmen is being done to death. So, this blog is going to express my feelings towards the film. And that feeling is, MEH. I like the film, but it way too long in a bad way. The film looks great don't great me wrong, but what works good in the comic doesn't necessarily work in the movies. I am a big fan of the comic, but in film a glowing floppy blue penis is hard to get pass. I know its in the comic, but come on. Most of the audience couldn't stop giggling ever time Doc Manhattan showed up. I am looking forward to watching the complete version on dvd with the added footage and the pirate and Under the Hood doc cut in. But that probably won't be out for a year. I still enjoyed Watchmen, but its not the best Superhero movie in years, its only number 5 on the my list of the best Superhero movies of the last two years.

1. Rambo
2. Dark Knight
3. Iron Man
4. Hellboy II
5. Watchmen

(GREATEST MOVIE EVER. STALLONE IS A GOD. NO, HE IS GOD.)

So there is my fast and crappy review of Watchmen. A visually stunning and Meh Movie. Well thats it for now, I guess. Stay Tune for our next episode and SHOOT FOR THE STARS.

Thank you.
- Eli J Osman

Friday, February 13, 2009

Episode 3 - Late Night on the Outback

Here is episode three. We discuss our love/hate for the new Friday the 13th remake and talk about Ozploitation films from the 1970's including such classics as Wake in Fright, Stone, The Cars That Ate Paris, The Man From Hong Kong, Mad Dog Morgan, Long Weekend, Patrick, and Mad Max. Be prepared of a shit-ton of Aussie awesomeness.

PLAY/DOWNLOADhttp://ia331419.us.archive.org/2/items/LateNightattheMovieEmporiumEpisode3-LateNightontheOutback/ep3.m4a

Thursday, February 12, 2009

"Not Quite Hollywood" Podcast Update

Our scope is too ambitious for this week's podcast, so we're going to have to split it into two (2) halves.

Part One: 1971-1979 - will be posted by Friday morning, and Part Two: 1980-1987 - will be posted next week, hopefully on a Wednesday evening as per usual.

I leave you with a short video we spent the weekend making for our school's 48-hour Shootout competition. We were given a genre (Instructional Video), a line of dialogue ("I was up all night"), and a prop (Three Eggs) - enjoy:



Samson & Samson's Breakfast Series: Part 3 of 5 - Eggs & The Great Beyond from Eli Osman on Vimeo.

-Andrew Ford

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Coming Next Thursday-Ish



We journey to the Outback with about 15 "Ozploitation" films - from 1971-1987, 16 years - 15 works of Aussie excellence.

Loosely (oh who am I kidding, entirely) inspired by the excellent documentary, Not Quite Hollywood: The Untold Story of Ozploitation, hopefully coming soon to DVD.
In this documentary, we learned that former James Bond actor George Lazenby was actually set on fire in 1975's The Man from Hong Kong, Dennis Hopper was a drugged-up motherfucking jerkoff no matter what country he was in (and was, in fact, prohibited from not only driving - but from being a passenger in a car due to his Outback antics), and many more excellent, bizarre, and almost impossible-to-believe facts we'll unleash in next week's podcast.

For now, we leave you with the documentary's trailer, a quite excellent deleted bit of interview from the documentary, and brief clips/half-trailers from the two films that bookend our Ozploitation queue.

The Not Quite Hollwyood trailer (NSFW):



World-Class Misanthrope Film Critic Bob Ellis on Peter Weir (Deleted Scene from the Documentary):



A Scene from Wake In Fright (Feat. Donald Pleasance):



(Most of the) Howling III: The Marsupials trailer:

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Podcast Alley feed! {pca-ef00ce1fa076a06790d5411940decb26}

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Episode Two - Unsung Heroes of Buddy Cop Films.



Here is Episode Two of Late Night at the Movie Emporium. We discuss the eighteen Buddy Cop films we watch in one week. Featuring the acting talents of Anthony Edwards, Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Dennis Rodman, and even Jay Leno. Dinosaur lovers be warned. Enjoy or Die.



Download/Play Here



Saturday, January 24, 2009

Theodore Rex < Holocaust


"The Unsung Heroes of the Buddy-Cop Genre" will be the title of our next episode, coming soon to a Tuesday near you.

Theodore Rex, amongst others, will be discussed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Andrew Ford's Top Fifteen Films of 2008


First, a couple of things about 2008. It was a great year for comedies - with the cream of the crop being Role Models, The Foot-Fist Way, Pineapple Express, Step Brothers, Tropic Thunder, Hamlet 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Burn After Reading, Ghost Town, and Zack and Miri Make A Porno. None of these made my top 15, but they are all in my top 50 (out of 131 so far, so I'm not damning them with faint praise here).

And it was also a fantastic year for blockbusters - particularly after 2007, where Transformers was one of the few blockbusters that actually delivered on its promise. This year gave us three of the best superhero movies of all-time with Iron Man, Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and The Dark Knight. And as I said before, the big summer comedies all delivered. And even the bad blockbusters, like The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor were still fun (and occasionally boasted not one, not two, but SEVERAL yeti).

Anyway, I've been keeping a list of the films of 2008 throughout the year, and figured with only a few left - none particularly likely to make my top 15, I'd finalize and post my list.


#15. Happy-Go-Lucky
Let's see - this is the first Mike Leigh film I've seen and I was more than a little surprised to find myself watching it not just a second time, but a third time after that. Sally Hawkins is great, of course - she deserves the Oscar this year, but if she doesn't win I shrug and move on with my life. Eddie Marsan also gives a phenomenal performance - one that's been largely overlooked this awards season, but is every bit as deserving of recognition. And although I didn't mention this under the comedies of the year, it's easily one of the funniest films of the year (and also relies heavily on improvisation, as typifies the work of Mike Leigh). The DVD drops March 10th, but if you can only get one DVD that day - you're getting Howard the Duck. If you get two, pick this one up. And if you get three, get another copy of Howard the Duck. I can't really stress that enough.


#14. The Wrestler
Mickey Rourke gives at least his best performance since Barfly in this understated little film. A lot of year-end lists have been placing this near, and often at the top - and, while I agree it's easily one of the best films of the year, and also easily the best film yet from Darren Aronofsky, I still have a few minor issues with the few times the film - which, like I said, is for the most part understated - drops any pretense at subtlety to nakedly state its themes (i.e. the 'Passion of the Christ' line). Definitely a great film, and also one I've already seen a couple of times.


#13. In Bruges
Here's a sneaky little film. For the first six or seven months of 2008, this was my number 1 of the year. Martin McDonagh makes a pretty seamless transition from the stage to the screen, Colin Farrell reminds everyone he can act, racist midgets are....this is a movie that has racist midgets in it. Everything about this movie just clicks - from the mournful score to Ralph Fiennes pitch-perfect performance as a short-tempered, but principled, crime boss. McDonagh makes great use of Bruges as a location and manages to maintain an odd, mournful tone not usually suited to a black comedy. Cannot recommend this movie enough, one of the most enjoyable movies of the year.




























#12. Funny Games
When this was released (on Valentine's Day weekend no less), I had only recently seen the original, so I waited patiently before ingesting what is, for all intents and purposes, the exact same film - only in English. I don't know if it's the fact that Haneke has a budget, and (arguably) a better set of actors this time around - or if it's just the fact that the film's in my native language now, but I reacted so much more strongly to this version of the film. I love the kind of sadistic film where the filmmaker is in full command of his form and uses it to tease the audience mercilessly -this is what Hitchcock was so good at, and the highest compliment I could pay either version of this film is that Hitchcock would've been proud. And maybe a little jealous.

#11. Silent Light
IMDB considers this a 2007 release. However, the bulk of the lists this film appeared on were from 2008, and the AV Club didn't review it until about a week ago. Regardless, it makes my list. This is probably a pretty polarizing work. I'm not 100%, because I don't actually know anyone else who's seen it, but it's a very particular kind of film made to appeal to a very particular kind of filmgoer. It's impossible to praise this film without mentioning just how gorgeous it is. Every single frame of the film is breathtaking. The film begins with a sunrise and ends with a sunset - each leisurely paced. The film moves at the clip of a Bela Tarr or an Andrei Tarkovsky film, and, with this film, Carlos Reygadas earns his place alongside those filmmakers of a very particular type. Apparently his first two films are pretty different from this one, so I'm incredibly curious to see where he goes from here.

#10. Synecdoche, New York
Here's a maddening film. Charlie Kaufman is without a doubt one of the best screenwriters working today, and probably THE best. And this film is a Rorschach test. It's a glorious mess of a film - or is it? It defies easy analysis, and I'm sure will reward multiple viewings [insert tirade against Ben Lyons' non-review of the film vs. praise of Ebert's careful and considered take on the film]. Is it self-indulgent? Hell yes it is, but this is such an earnest, heart-on-its-sleeve work, that it's almost sheepishly self-indulgent. It knows it's being self-indulgent, and apologizes on behalf of itself with the cutting self-deprecation common to all of Kaufman's work. This is not a movie for everyone, and at the moment it's defying my attempts at some kind of useful summation. Philip Seymour Hoffman is, of course, great in the film - as are the many women in the supporting cast, particularly Samantha Morton. And Tom Noonan's gonna be good no matter what cast you surround him with. I highly recommend this movie, but I also know that some people are just going to hate this movie with a passion.

#9. Waltz With Bashir
An animated documentary? It could have easily come off as simply a gimmick - the gimmick would have sold itself, and the film, even as a simple novelty, would have been worth seeing - but no, filmmaker Ari Folman had to take this opportunity to make a fascinating, multi-faceted portrait of the horrors of war, and the fallacy of memory. The animation in the film is incredibly expressionistic, often given to some deliriously gorgeous flights of fancy into the psyches of these, the war-torn and remembering. And the forgetful. The final few shots of the film, in theory, really drive home the themes at play here, but in execution they actually kind of weaken the work overall. Regardless, this is a fascinating and unforgettable film.

#8. Ex Drummer
Not only can this movie beat up your movie, it probably already has. Comparisons to Trainspotting are unfortunate, but inevitable. This film is clearly its own beast. Its only contemporaries can be found in some of the more vicious European films of the decade (Irreversible springs to mind), but even then - here is a film that marches to the beat of its own drum. It's a steel drum and inside rattle the tiny crushed skulls of thousands of aborted fetuses (fetii?). Here is an incredibly well-made, brutally frank and, at times, even gleefully expressionistic film that will still, for all its flights of fancy, probably rape your mother and murder your father while shooting your dog up with heroin and ripping your dick off.* It's never pleasant, but the visual imagination on display and the giddy, beyond-pitch-black sense of humor really make this film into something special. This movie probably thinks I'm a pussy. Oh, and Belgium just got a whole lot scarier.
*Actually happens in the film.

#7. Let the Right One In
This could possibly be the single greatest vampire film of all-time. It's at least the best since Near Dark. Here's a film that tells an extremely disturbing story, featuring instances of violence and brutality that the (possibly magical) camerawork renders gorgeous, and at times darkly humorous. Lina Leandersson gives such a masterful performance, it's hard to believe she ISN'T an ages-old vampire trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl. There are maybe one or two moments where the film isn't clicking on all cylinders - one involves cats, but is quickly followed by one of the greatest fire stunts/digital fire effects/whatever, that I've ever seen (which is more than enough to wipe the bad tase of obviously CGI'd cats out of my mouth). Here's a film that is everything it was hyped-up to be by almost every geek-friendly news outlet on the internet. Coming from a species frequently given to hyperbole, this is a feat of epic proportions.

#6. Reprise
Here is a film that took me completely by surprise. It had popped up on a couple of end-of-the-year lists, and it had also been compared to the French New Wave, of which I'm an almost-unrepentant fan. All the same, I did not expect it to be quite as heartbreaking and hilarious as it proved to be. Essentially the film's about two best friends who want to be novelists - and as Roger Ebert so eloquently put it, a film is not about WHAT it is about, but HOW it is about it. The storytelling skill on display here is staggering. We get voice-over narration, as well as the best use of, for lack of a better term, 'pop music' in a film all year - redolent of Scorsese or Tarantino in its song selections. And the film tells an absolutely massive story in such a short amount of time. It doesn't cover near the ground that 2004's The Best of Youth does, but that's the one other film Reprise calls to mind. Largely the dynamic of 'two best friends against the world,' but also the device of the mental illness of a loved one throwing everything out of balance. In the end, we are told that things can be good again, but we never know for sure whether or not they are.

#5. A Christmas Tale
France apparently felt that they would be better-represented at the Academy Awards this year by The Class. Granted, this is a film I have not yet had the opportunity to see - but if it manages to be as enjoyable as this Altman-esque tale of a family coming together for Christmas (and to determine a bone marrow donor for the matriarch of the bunch), I'll eat my hat. And it's a big hat. And I'm not hungry.
Mathieu Amalric, in this film, gives a performance of alarming douchebaggery, and yet - in the end, I found myself sympathizing with his character infinitely more than anyone else in this family. I enjoyed him a great deal in Quantum of Solace, as well - but here he is playing much more than Roman Polanski, Supervillain. He's playing, basically, a complete and utter asshole. Who never does anything for any other reason than to be an asshole. Arnaud Desplechin, the wonderful filmmaker behind this amazing film, manages to sway the audience's allegiances from Amalric's character, to the sister who ostracized him from the family, and eventually back to him, as morally reprehensible and emotionally bankrupt as he is. This movie plastered a shit-eating grin on my face throughout the duration, and it lingered long after the film ended. Somewhere in Heaven, Robert Altman is...well, he's probably smoking a cigar actually.

#4. The Dark Knight
I've mentioned the tendency of the geek species to indulge in hyperbole already. Let's not mince words here - this movie has a TON of flaws. Far more than its fair share. There are elements of this film that can only be described as poorly-executed. There are multiple awkward cuts, there are a few plot threads some have labeled extraneous, and nobody actually likes Christian Bale's Bat-voice, we all just tolerate it. We all tolerate it because we love Batman - we WANT to see a great Batman movie. And this year we finally got not just a great Batman movie, but an overall fine work of cinema. This movie aims SO high, that it's bound to fail somewhere along the way. Were this entire film as precise and pitch-perfect as the performances turned in by Aaron Eckhart and Heath Ledger, this would easily be one of the greatest films ever made. What's astounding is that so much of the movie DOES live up to those performances, and that those performances deliver on the promise of a staggeringly ambitious screenplay. This is a film that juggles multiple plotlines, where one of them just happens to be a billionaire playboy/superhero dedicated to keeping the peace in Gotham City. This film functions as an ensemble piece, and every character gets their chance to shine.
Here is what we expect from a blockbuster in the golden age of television. Broad, sweeping tales with fully-realized characters and sure, their fair share of flaws - a storyline that doesn't work that's dropped after an episode (the disgruntled Wayne Enterprises bookkeeper), or resolved quickly enough in time to move on to a much more fascinating and relevant thread (Bruce Wayne's highly suspect use of his technological means). The Dark Knight plays like the best 6-episode miniseries HBO could never afford to make.

#3. Wall-E
39 minutes without dialogue, plays like a Kubrick film, if Kubrick had a heart instead of a dark, soulless recess where the only sound is the sound of the only sound you never want to hear again. The rest of the film brings some of the most vicious and bleak science fiction satire ever seen in a film, let alone what is ostensibly a kids' film. And, of course, they couple their optimistic images of fat, baby-floaty-chair cartoon humans-of-the-future with a manic, Modern Times/Beauty and the Beast rampage through the spaceship, and the most adorable love story since last year's Once. This is a tale of two cartoon robots that manages to compare to a film featuring two real human people who were actually falling in love with each other on the set. In the end, we the human race have been gifted with the finest non-Brad Bird Pixar film, hands-down, no contest. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go re-watch this film now and silently weep into a pillow.

#2. My Winnipeg
It is so rare that a truly original film comes along. The only real precedent for this film is Guy Maddin's previous work - most notably 2006's Brand Upon the Brain!. Dubbed a 'docu-fantasia' by its maker, here is one of the most deeply-felt films I have ever seen. Guy Maddin is an artist throwing himself (I imagine with the aid of a catapult) completely into his work. The fact that, in the film, he's making up stories about his childhood - a show called "Ledge Man" where each week a man tries to kill himself and is talked down from the ledge by Maddin's own mother, the fabricated urban legends of a legendary seance held by the town fathers, and of an all-time all-star hockey team playing in the ruins of a mostly-demolished arena as it falls apart around them, the tale of the sleepwalkers of Winnipeg, with their keys to every house they've ever lived in, or the tale that ends with the frozen horses, pictured above - the victims of a flash-freeze whilst running from a town-consuming fire - renders the film all the more true because of its blatant fabrications.
Like Waltz With Bashir, this film calls into question the reliability of memory - and, like my #9., this film also dares to replace the forgotten with the fabricated, or the memories recollected by others.
In an unfortunate turn of events, the film served as fitting an epitaph as any to the passing of Ann Savage (of Detour, also she plays Maddin's mother here), whose most famous work also used the concept of an unreliable narrator, recollecting the story from a skewed point-of-view.

#1. Rachel Getting Married
Jonathan Demme is a peculiar filmmaker. He's made plenty of noteworthy films, but nothing of his truly connected with me until I saw this wonderful little film. The basic story - family fuck-up comes home for special occasion - is vaguely similar to the plots of both my #5. and the Kristin Scott Thomas film, I've Loved You So Long, and - as usual - the major difference here is the style. Shot entirely handheld, the film uses the technique to make you feel like you're genuinely AT this wedding. Cameos from Demme's mentor Roger Corman (as a priest, of course), Robyn Hitchcock, and a surprisingly major supporting role filled by TV on the Radio's lead singer, Tunde Adebimpe, give this film plenty for the film/music aficionado like myself to recognize and appreciate, which encouraged a kind of kinship with this film.
To me, it felt like more than any other film from this year, I existed on the wavelength of this one. I identified more with Anne Hathaway's character than I'm probably comfortable admitting to, which makes the conversations between her and her family, particularly between her and Rachel, that much more affecting, and that much more devastating. Here is a film that not only manages to approximate that Altman feel - it arguably transcends it. This has been at #1 on the list since I saw it in late November. One of the select few films from this year that belongs in the same category as last year's Holy Trifecta of There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men, and Zodiac.

Noteworthy/Honorable Mentions:

Gus Van Sant made maybe the two best films of his career with Paranoid Park & Milk.
The Good, the Bad, and the Weird - impeccably well-made and entertaining as all hell. In a year that gave us a sub-par take on Indiana Jones, this film more than makes up for it with its incredibly well-shot and choreographed action sequences and its seamless blend of practical and digital effects.
Hunger - well, it's the second-best debut film of the year (to my #8.), and it's nearly as brutal. Michael Fassbender is amazing as Irish hunger striker Bobby Sands.
Jason Statham: The Bank Job >>> Death Race >> Transporter 3 >>>>> In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Iron Man/Tropic Thunder - this was the year of Robert Downey, Jr. Everyone else, thanks for playing.
Man On Wire/Dear Zachary/Not Quite Hollywood/Encounters at the End of the World/Surfwise - It was a damn good year for documentaries. A couple of these very nearly made the top 15.
Splinter - Fantastic, thoroughly-conceived idea, well-executed. A damn solid horror movie.
Slumdog Millionaire, Frost/Nixon, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - three films likely to be nominated for Best Picture, each has its fair share of flaws. All are impeccably well-made, and definitely worth checking out, but none of them ever quite achieve the level of greatness they're aiming for.

Bring it on, 2009. You've got a tough act to follow.