Top 25 Films of the Year, Part I

I plan to post one of these a day, this post is Nos. 25-21, the next post will be Nos. 20-11, and the final post will be Nos. 10-1.

So, without further ado..

The Top 25 Films of 2009:



#25. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (Dir. Phil Lord & Chris Miller)

One of the most fun, inventive films of the year. This movie is at least partially responsible for my almost-irrational hatred of Monster Vs. Aliens, as that film had to live up to the lofty standard set by THIS film due to my peculiar viewing habits and the whims of fate, and that film simply could never compare to this. Here, the star voices are obscured, the humor is inherent and integral to both the characters, the story, AND the themes - and above all else, this is also an excellent disaster movie! In a year when we may have been given what is, by any objective measure, the ULTIMATE disaster movie with Roland Emmerich's 2012, we also received what may, by any objective measure, be considered the BEST disaster movie.

In addition to its many charms already enumerated, this is also one of the funniest films of the year. It has a gleefully-deranged sense of humor that, particularly in several moments towards the end, almost verges on horrific (hint: chickens are involved). The source material, a beloved children's book, is really only used for its bare bones, the bulk of the plot and characters being crafted by the screenwriters, who also directed the film. Coming off of their work on CBS' How I Met Your Mother, and their animated series for MTV, Clone High, I think it's safe to say that Phil Lord & Chris Miller were an absolutely inspired choice for this material.

This film is an absolute treasure, and I'm fairly certain I love everything about it.



#24. Two Lovers (Dir. James Gray)

This is, without a doubt, a much stranger movie than I anticipated going in. First of all, you've got Joaquin Phoenix (in what is allegedly his final performance) playing a mentally unstable man-child of sorts who's recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, and moved back in with his parents. Then you have Vinessa Shaw (of Ladybugs and Hocus Pocus fame) playing one of his love interests - the daughter of a man looking to buy his father's business - and you have Gwyneth Paltrow playing a party girl who's clearly in need of some kind of new direction in her life.

What follows once these pieces are in play is never quite as maddening as it seems it should be, given how frequently Phoenix's character acts in ways that are almost indefensibly shallow and short-sighted. Yet we root for him because of Phoenix's understated performance. We root for him because - as evidenced by a strangely appropriate breakdancing scene early in the film - this is nothing more than a romantic fantasy. Its ending feels earned, and true to its characters, and the tone of the piece walks a tightrope between light-hearted and dour in a way that few other films attempt. Even fewer are the films that have captured the grief felt over the premature death of a relationship as well as this film does. It's Gray's surprisingly keen sense of character and place that, in the end, make this film the small wonder that it is.

Gray's We Own the Night (2007) was a film I found underwhelming overall, with flashes of brilliance in several key sequences. Two Lovers is a complete work, it is of a piece, and it is gorgeous in its simplicity.


#23. Drag Me To Hell (Dir. Sam Raimi)

For those wondering where this film was in the write-up on this year's noteworthy crop of horror films, it was right here the whole time! There are very few things I don't love about this movie. I love its abrupt but wholly appropriate ending. I love the glee this film takes in its cartoonish violence, and I love that Raimi's given us a protagonist that is very far from the perfect person she presents herself as. This is, at its heart, a morality tale - and oh, the glee that Raimi takes in pulling the rug out from under Alison Lohman's character, time and time again.

As fun as Evil Dead II, and even more refreshing in its own way - coming as it does on the heels of Raimi's mega-budget Spiderman trilogy, and before he returns to the franchise next year. This film lets the cooped-up, balls-out horror-comedy maestro flex his considerable muscle in the genre, and is an even more rewarding experience upon further viewings. I believe Patton Oswalt said in an interview for AV Club that people were even comparing this to Roman Polanski's Repulsion, of all things. I mean, that can't be right, can it? Maybe I should...just watch this again...

(Hint: This is one of the most eminently watchable films of the year, as well.)



#22. The Informant! (Dir. Steven Soderbergh)

Ah, Soderbergh. If there's any filmmaker I want to be, it would have to be you. On the heels of this year's micro-indie, The Girlfriend Experience (a film that's not too shabby itself), you rounded out your absurdly productive decade with one of your finest achievements to date. This film was sold as a straight-up comedy, but don't let that deceive you. Soderbergh's crafted a very subtle, surprisingly heartfelt version of a story that really is almost too surreal to be true. In that way, this film is similar to this year's Men Who Stare At Goats. Only this film remembers to take the time to, you know, create engaging characters and tell its story in a way that consistently keeps its audience guessing and interested, and doesn't feel like a guy describing it to you after too many beers and a full, four-course meal at your local Melting Pot restaurant.

Enough good things simply cannot be said about Matt Damon's performance here. It's easily his finest to date, and will shamefully be overlooked this awards season in favor of a handful of legitimately more impressive performances as well as a couple of clunkers whose films are, quite simply, being pushed harder for awards consideration by their studios. Additionally, this film is filled, top to bottom, with great performances, wonderful little cameos by a handful of your favorite comedians (Paul F. Tompkins, Patton Oswalt) and character actors (Scott Freaking Bakula, Tony Hale, Joel McHale). This film is an absolute smorgasbord of talent assembled to craft a wildly entertaining, frequently hilarious, and unexpectedly touching whistle-blowing thriller.

This film honestly cannot come out on DVD soon enough, as it seems like it was simply here-and-gone in theaters, and could have used a sooner DVD release date to help boost its chances during awards season. Soderbergh, I think I love you.


#21. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (Dir. Werner Herzog)

The mere fact that this film exists is a Stone. Cold. Miracle. That Nicolas Cage was reminded he had to pay taxes just in time for this script to cross his agent's desk. That Werner Herzog decided to undertake some sort of genre exercise and found the prospect of shooting in a post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans irresistible. That somebody, somewhere, had never before thought to utilize an iguana-cam shot in a film before. That, in this perverse alternate reality in which we must be living, the title Bad Lieutenant is actually supposed to encourage MORE people to see a film, and is somehow deemed wise from a business perspective.

This film is pure, unadulterated, joy (tempered with madness) on celluloid. The gods may not smile often upon we mere mortals, but the moment this film was greenlit, they were fucking BEAMING. Cage gives a crazy performance that is absolutely riveting from start-to-finish in a way he hasn't achieved since his Wicker Man remake. Herzog assembles an excellent ensemble cast - everyone from Brad Dourif to Val Kilmer to freaking Xzibit (you know, the rapper from that one Limp Bizkit song?), and never looks back. Iguana-cam. Iguana-cam! Are you kidding me? Fairuza Balk is sexier than Eva Mendes in this movie. Seriously. Down is up, people. If Cage and Herzog never meet again, it is surely only because they know such a pairing can only be cheapened through repetition.

That we live in a world crazy enough for this film to happen is not simply the reason I sleep soundly at night, it's the reason I dream.

** End of Part One **

Coming up in Part Two: An actual, honest-to-goodness documentary! People hurting each other in great detail! Big blue sexy cats! Evil monochromatic schoolchildren! A shout-out to John Cena! Furry party! Profound and possibly divinely-inspired nonsense! And more people hurting each other in great detail (some would say gratuitous)!

Same bat-time, same bat-place. I guess.

- Andrew Ford

The Top 25 Films of 2009: Honorable Mentions

Too Many Honorable Mentions:

Either I just saw too many movies this year, or this happened to be a particularly good year for film in general, but I'm quite literally going down my list from 26-50 to cull the honorable mentions. Last year, I composed a Top 15 because I just couldn't leave off a small handful of interesting, refreshing little films like Happy-Go-Lucky and...um, Ex-Drummer, but the breadth of genre cinema released this year was like manna from heaven. Last year's list was populated by a lot of smaller films, and what I've noticed this year is that mainstream films, more often than not, lived up to the hype. Last year, this was true of The Dark Knight and Wall-E. This year, I've got FOUR films in my top TEN that made at least $100 million at the box office. And this year, I've committed to finalizing a Top 25 list due to the fine crop of releases I've managed to see.

I'd be remiss in heralding the genuinely inventive genre offerings near the top of my list if I didn't provide an all-encompassing view of some of the more intriguing, lesser-known genre offerings of the year as well.

And let's just say, if you're surprised something isn't considered in one of these sub-categories...it's probably in the Top 25.

The Year in Horror

I LOVE horror films. They are the one genre of film I am, perversely, always in the mood to watch. That's right, moreso even than French cinema. Last year, we had a handful of solid, low-budget efforts such as Splinter, and the UK Miniseries, Dead Set (fast zombies and all).

Here's this year's crop:


Trick 'r Treat (Dir. Michael Dougherty)

Hands-down, the film on this list I'm most sore about leaving off of my Top 25, Dougherty adopts a Pulp Fiction-style approach to the anthology horror film (which, come to think of it, is more of a Black Sabbath approach, but I digress), and it works absolute wonders. Filled with pitch-black humor - and boasting one of the most instantly-iconic creations to hit the screen this year in 'Sam' - the film is only bogged down by its final segment, which drags a bit, and by a somewhat anticlimactic reveal of just what's under that brown sack. In spite of these faults, I can't help but whole-heartedly recommend this film, one of the Class of 2007 that was delayed ad infinitum and finally saw the light of day this year. Its delayed release is the most perplexing to me, because this is the kind of fun little horror film that could have killed the Saw series had it reached theaters. But then again, that happened anyway, I suppose.


Pontypool (Dir. Bruce McDonald)

A sleeper of a film, released to Video-On-Demand by IFC and slated to hit DVD on January 26th, I'm not really surprised more people didn't hear about this film, because its release was about as miniscule as they come. However, the film takes a very inventive concept (a zombie infection that spreads through speech and language), and an excellent setting to craft a throwback of sorts to something like The Twilight Zone. For fans of Rod Serling's most famous creation, the films of Val Lewton, or zombie films in general, this is the year's alternative to Zombieland. This is a film that relies on ideas rather than stunt cameos for its success, and I can't recommend this enough.

Other noteworthy horror films:

Paranormal Activity - not an unqualified success as a stand-alone film, but for what it stands for: the rise of marketing dollars behind micro-budget films that rely on imagination and creativity; the death of the Saw film series - this film is absolutely remarkable.

House of the Devil - Its ending is absolutely maddening to me (not the idea of it, merely the execution), but the first hour-plus of the film, before Ti West pulls the rug out from under his heroine, is an absolute marvel of throwback craft and old-fashioned, John Carpenter-esque, suspense that absolutely NAILS the execution.

I can't really throw a lot of support towards many of the horror films lower on my list, but I will say that a little French film named Martyrs left me shaken, a little film called A Perfect Getaway surprised me a good bit, and one of the handful of Ghost House Pictures, The Children, proved to be remarkably inventive (and not quite a remake of the original, as I had guessed). Oh, and there might be a couple in my Top 25, depending on how one defines 'horror.'

The Year In Sci-Fi

The first thing I did when the clock struck 11:00 (CST) last night was to pop in my Blu-Ray of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's an understatement to say that the visuals are bold and breathtaking, and that the sound design is arguably the finest ever crafted, but what really struck me about the film watching it again were its absolutely massive IDEAS. That's one trait a lot of science fiction films this year shared - and even as a function of their minuscule budgets, it's the explorations of those big ideas that made the following films (and the ones in my Top 25) stand out.


Sleep Dealer (Dir. Alex Rivera)

Here is a film that was made for about as close to no-budget as you can get, and yet the effects that are there are cheap, but not distracting, and the ideas within the story are so intoxicating that it's impossible not to get caught up in this eerily-plausible future vision. There is a scene, early on, when the lead first 'plugs in' to operate a robot working on a building in San Diego, that the film just totally puts you there, and you share this strangely beautiful moment of discovery with the character. That's not just a great sci-fi moment, that's great filmmaking. Rivera is, hands-down, one of the most promising young filmmakers out there right now, and this film has been almost criminally overlooked. It's cheap on Amazon, where it's available on DVD and on Blu-Ray, and it's on Netflix as well. If you're a fan of sci-fi at all, I highly recommend you check it out.

Terminator: Salvation - here is a film that clearly aspired to a higher level of blockbuster filmmaking, but just because it failed at that doesn't mean it's not a wildly inventive, exceedingly well-produced example of B-movie entertainment at its finest, glossiest extreme. Lowered expectations work wonders for this film, and many of the action sequences are absolutely jaw-dropping.

Gamer - although, if anything, this film proves how polarizing Neveldine/Taylor can be, it's also propelled along with their specific, kinetic style of filmmaking in a way that absolutely saves their lackluster script, and elevates the film to the glorious B-movie stature it strives so earnestly to attain. Bonus points for Lloyd Kaufman's second cameo in one of their films this year.

Visioneers - this is a strange, absurdist dark comedy...kind of (?) film that...well, it's definitely worth checking out, for fans of Zack Galifianakis and for fans of...just strange films in-general. This film doesn't try to meet you halfway with its surreal, dystopian satire of modern middle-class living...although in a strange way it seems wrong to call it satire. One of the most inventive, under-the-rader films of the year. And it's available on Netflix Watch Instantly. So what have you got to lose?

Other, Non-Genre Specific Honorable Mentions


Sugar (Dir. Anna Boden & Ryan Fleck)

An absolutely wonderful, deceptively-simple little film about the only sport I love (baseball), executed with all due nuance by two extremely talented filmmakers whose previous film, Half Nelson, I absolutely LOVE (like, Best of the Decade Top 50 Love, folks). So really, the question isn't what was so great about this film, but rather where did it fall short, by my estimation? The sad fact is that I was only able to see this film once, and I'm certain a second viewing would only serve to raise its stature in my eyes. I felt there were some shifts towards the end the first time through that affected the pacing at the time, but in-general that's the kind of problem that I've found tends to fade upon further viewings. The AFI named it one of their 10 best of the year, and I'm fully behind that. Right now, for me, it's stuck at #26 on the pile.


An Education (Dir. Lone Scherfig)

This is the most recently-viewed film on my entire list, and in defense of its low position, I can only say that I weeded-out my Top 25 based on personal preference (although I guess that's kind of...the nature of it all, no?), and as well-executed as this film is (and believe me, it is an absolute joy to watch), at the end of the day, it's just not subject matter I'm inherently drawn to, and not something I feel I'm likely to watch multiple times - to examine its craft, or to lose myself in the world of its story. If a film's subject matter isn't a story I find inherently interesting, I'm often more bowled-over when a filmmaker overcomes my initial reticence to the topic with their technique or with a remarkably well-constructed script. At the end of the day, this is a film that is filled with excellent performances (particularly, it must be said, Carey Mulligan), that is paced to within an inch of its life, and that actually does boast an extremely clever, knowing script from novelist Nick Hornby, but...it doesn't quite get there for me. Although I have to recommend it as highly as any others on this list. It would be much higher on this list, had this been last year, or many other years, really, but there are a handful of films I absolutely couldn't budge - hence this MASSIVE Honorable Mentions post, and hence my defense of many of these films' placements.


World's Greatest Dad (Dir. Bobcat Goldthwait)

Much as I've wrestled with each film thus far mentioned as being left off of my list, this film's exclusion was particularly difficult, because this film conjures that fuzziest of emotions in me: pure, unadulterated, love and adoration. In this most pitch-black of comedies, Bobcat Goldthwait crafts a satire that is biting (if at times a bit clumsy), and Robin Williams gives the kind of wonderful performance that actually forgives a film like Old Dogs. This is a film whose themes are completely unusual, and refreshingly unconcerned with any kind of politically correct approach to such a sensitive issue...
And yet, I just can't reveal anything about it. This film is such a small miracle that to reveal its secrets would be tantamount to blasphemy. If you love dark comedies, if you can forgive the few minor missteps of an earnest film with something to say, and if you can find it your heart to give Robin Williams another chance after his myriad transgressions, I implore you - whoever is reading this - to seek this film out.


The Brothers Bloom (Dir. Rian Johnson)

I love Brick. I love everything about Brick, and I've found Rian Johnson's appearances on the Slashfilmcast nothing short of endearing, and yet I have my fair share of issues with this, his sophomore effort. It is impeccably well-directed, and the script is remarkably complex, layered with symbol and metaphor - much like the cons of the film's titular brothers - and yet, there's some small spark missing from the execution. Something felt off from the very beginning, with its Ricky Jay-narrated prologue (executed to much better effect in P.T. Anderson's Magnolia), and then it never quite manages to live up to my admittedly-lofty expectations for it. The still I've chosen is from one of the most carefully-composed shots from the film, in which Weisz is reflected in that mirror as she performs an extremely complex card trick, which she learned for the shot - and I suppose part of it could be that kind of formalistic excess (although I typically am a sucker for such formalistic excesses, and at least one of the films in my Top 25 is nothing more or less than a formalistic excess), and part of it could simply be that Johnson sounds an off note right at the start of the film and never quite recovers. Of all the films on this list, I feel a second viewing is most essential to cement my feelings for THIS film in particular.


Watchmen: Theatrical, Director's, & Ultimate Cuts (Director: Zack Snyder)

And here I end my Honorable Mentions with one of the most divisive films of the year. I've seen this film multiple times now. I saw it in theaters twice. I saw the Director's Cut when it came out. At this point, I've finished the Ultimate Cut as well - although I'd already seen both the now-incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter AND the documentary inspired by Hollis Mason's memoir, Under the Hood, which couldn't have really been incorporated into some longer cut, but stands apart as a very interesting curio, that still leaves me wanting more McHattie in the final cut of the film (McHattie's making a strong showing on this Honorable Mentions list with 2 mentions, and possibly a 3rd in the Top 25, if anyone can spot it).

I've sweated blood over this movie. Snyder is one of the most maddening filmmakers working right now - almost infuriatingly talented (or is he?), and able to make the kind of big-budget studio films most filmmakers would absolutely KILL for the opportunity to make, he was given about as much leeway as could have been fiscally defensible by Warner Bros. to make one of the most anticipated films of all-time, and in the end, he makes a film that is equal parts idiotic/misplaced excess, stubborn devotion to the text, and bracing, fractious brilliance (the scene when Dr. Manhattan arrives on Mars is one that never fails to send chills down my spine). Is this fated to be one of the most notorious missed opportunities ever, or is this simply the closest we'll ever be allowed to get to Brian De Palma's Watchmen (dig the relentless formalism, the excessive violence, and the curious emotional detachment from the story)?

The answers to this film's myriad issues are left unanswered by the unprecedented multiple cuts released in such rapid succession, and - in the end - we just have to settle for a film that frequently flirts with brilliance, before Malin Akerman shows up again, or before Snyder proves how surprisingly clueless he's become regarding soundtrack choices (oddly, one of the strengths of his Dawn of the Dead remake), or before the excessive-violence-as-satire simply becomes excessive violence for the sake of excessive violence...

There's arguably only one film this year that elicited this strong a reaction from me, and it's in my Top 25. So, I suppose there's something to be said for that.

The Final Few Honorable Mentions

The Cove - A bracing, unflinching look at an abhorrent situation, and a bold attempt to bring back Save the Whales. Although somehow, now I fear dolphins.

Coraline - One of those 'any-other-year-this-would-be-near-the-top' snubs that's impeccably crafted and as terrifying as any horror movie released this year.

Humpday - 'mumblecore' that manages to transcend its oft-insufferable origins through use of an intriguing premise and a pair of remarkable performances.

You, the Living - Somehow, less-assured than his masterpiece, Songs from the Second Floor, Roy Andersson's film is still frequently hilarious and oddly touching. And very dark.

The Road - A unique-but-muddled film that adds up to the sum of its parts, and nothing more. Not that that's a bad thing, necessarily. When the parts are as haunting and grimly gorgeous as they are here.

Anvil! The Story of Anvil! - Touching, heartwarming, and deserves bonus points for being the rare documentary to actually have an impact (Anvil's career is looking brighter than ever)

The Hangover - Sure, it's only as good as it is because of Zack Galifianakis. but it's a $300-million-dollar success starring Galifianakis as well (which is an absolute good thing). And it is, once it gets going, absolutely hilarious.

The Carter - a fascinating portrait of Lil Wayne, one of the strangest popular artists in recent memory. Yes, including Lady Gaga. Honestly, I don't find her that strange.

The Square - Yep, the one Harry Knowles went ape over. It's very good, and I could see future viewings improving it considerably, but right now it has to settle for being a surprisingly well-executed neo-noir, and an honorable mention.

Sherlock Holmes - A whole lot of fun, even if it's ultimately a touch inconsequential.

Goodbye Solo - Ramin Bahrani's previous effort, the incredible Chop Shop, proved a tough act to follow, but this is still one of the warmest, most engrossing works of the year.

Funny People - WAY too long, but frequently hilarious and ultimately a bit touching. Has all of the strengths of Apatow's earlier films, plus a few new weaknesses - and his growth as a filmmaker is evident.

Bronson - This film is entirely about the performance, and Tom Hardy's performance is LEGEND. I look forward to checking this out on Blu-Ray in the near future.

Ponyo - Miyazaki's latest skews a touch younger than some of his other works, but there's no denying his unparalleled ability to conjure such childlike whimsy and wonder out of thin air. Cements his status as a master, but amongst such a strong crop of animated films this year it unfortunately got a bit lost in the shuffle.

Knowing - One of the strangest, most perplexing studio efforts of recent memory. A film that's not afraid to ask enormous questions only to provide answers that equate angels with UFOs, and present us with a fiery vision of the end of the the world. And it's Nicolas Cage. This Year-End round-up hasn't seen the last of him.

So, um...there you have it. Keep an eye out for My Top 25 list, arriving in the near future. And Happy New Year, everyone!

- Andrew Ford

The 10 Worst Films of 2009 & (Dis)Honorable Mentions.

It's that time of year again. There's still about a dozen films I haven't seen - many of which I'm simply unable TO see. Nevertheless, there's something to be said for comprehensiveness. At the end of this year, we're looking at a whopping 123 releases that I have seen (this is out of a recorded 342, mind you, and with many more still to be seen).

A handful of these are straight-to-DVD releases that may have played festivals in previous years, and perhaps even received a limited theatrical release by the end of 2008. Regardless, I wasn't able to see any of these films by any means, conventional or otherwise, in 2008, so they've ended up on this list.

As always, there are plenty of films I haven't seen simply because I. Am. Not. Interested. And there's an additional handful of films I'm quite interested in, that I'm certain will have no real bearing upon this list.

With that said, let the countdown begin:



#10. Friday the 13th (Dir. Marcus Nispel)

That's right. Here is a film that fails even to match the low standards set by the series PRIOR to this past February. Here is a film that displays a keen failure on the part of Nispel, on the part of the screenwriters, and on the part of the producers (the enemies of all things sacred: Platinum Dunes) to grasp what it is that makes the Friday the 13th series so gosh-darn wonderful. Nispel had already displayed a general disdain for/ignorance towards an absolute horror masterpiece with his 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so I suppose it was foolish to hope he'd approach a remake of a far less prestigious horror film with anything other than more of the same, but a hint of nuance would have been nice.
The film starts off promising, honestly. I was on board with the film through the opening title card. I thought it was a ballsy move on the part of the filmmakers, I really did. And then the rest of the film showed up, and - although I maintain that the Friday the 13th genre simply CANNOT be ruined - Marcus Nispel tried his damnedest to ruin it.

See instead: January's My Bloody Valentine 3-D plays up the camp inherent in its 3-D gimmick, and delivers plenty of fun whilst never taking itself too seriously and simply realizing that it could not approach the atmospheric and eerie nature of the original. It also got the original cut of its predecessor released on DVD at long last, with the excised gore scenes intact. So there's that.



#9. The Final Destination 3-D (Dir. David R. Ellis)

How do you take a concept seemingly tailor-made for 3-D and ruin it? If your answer was 'hire the director behind the most successful installment of the series to date,' then I'd be surprised. And yet, that's exactly what Ellis did. 'Death Saved the Best for Last'? Nice try, but no dice.

See instead: Halloween II. See it because it's completely, bug-fuck insane from beginning-to-end, but expect all of Zombie's trademark redneck-isms to not only remain intact, but to be dialed up to 11. What's shameful is that he HAS such evident talent, and he's saddled it with such awful material. Nevertheless, this film - despite its flaws - is well worth checking out. Just don't pay too much to see it.



#8. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (Dir. Neal Brennan)

Craig Robinson can't even save this movie, despite appearing as a character named DJ Request (who does not take requests). One of the most painfully un-funny comedies in recent memory.

See instead: Land of the Lost. Though the film is decidedly not family-friendly, this is the kind of film I could see myself watching over and over again as a child. The filmic equivalent of junk food cereal and Saturday morning cartoons, this film certainly didn't deserve to bomb at the box office like it did.



#7. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Dir. Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon)

I know what you're thinking - there's NO WAY it was that bad! Here I appear to be in the minority, but I simply could not tolerate the film from the first minute. There are no characters, there's no real story, and the entire animation aesthetic feels just...off. What should have been a delightful throwback to 1950s schlocky sci-fi B-movies, simply...isn't.

See instead: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, because it is the best 1980s blockbuster throwback since the 1980s, and even though its characters are the most broad archetypes imaginable, they're still characters, there's still some sort of story here, and there's a plethora of fun visual effects work on display.



#6. Cold Souls (Dir. Sophie Barthes)

Yeesh. Where do I begin. The Most Tedious Film of the Year. Not energetic enough to be truly awful, and not decisive enough to have anything to say, this film wastes considerable resources doing and saying nothing of any interest. The most cold, empty film in recent memory.

See instead: Visioneers. Both films are tiny indies with heady concepts executable on a low-budget, but Visioneers is much better at playing its premise for subtle laughs, and utilizes its also-excellent cast MUCH better than Cold Souls.



#5. Paper Heart (Dir. Nicolas Jasenovec)

A film about love made by people who could not be more naive or ignorant on the topic for people who are callow enough to listen to them. Personal vendetta aside ($12.50 spent on a ticket to this at the Angelika in New York!), the film is a mess that attempts to overcome its flaws with unconscionable levels of whimsy. This is the most insufferably precocious film of the year, potentially of all time.

See instead: (500) Days of Summer. Because next to Paper Heart, this film is a freaking paean to nuance and wisdom. Though I'm not terribly in love with the film, it literally does everything Paper Heart is trying to do, only better. An infinitely superior film covering like subject matter.



#4. Miss March (Dir. Zach Cregger, Trever Moore)

The Whitest Kids U Know are a clever sketch comedy troupe, and many of their sketches are quite humorous. I enjoy sharing many of their works with my friends, and find the two who made this film to be quite enjoyable in the videos in which they appear.
The only reason this isn't the worst film of the year is because, for some perverse reason, I have a soft spot for lame 1980s sex comedies. This is a throwback in the worst possible way, but it's still a throwback.
Craig Robinson cannot save this film, either, despite appearing as a character named Horsedick(.mpeg).

See instead: Jennifer's Body. Because the dialogue isn't quite as oppressively stylized as it was in the beginning of Juno. Because this is nowhere near as bad as you've likely been led to believe. And because this is a throwback to 1980s horror-comedies that manages to acutely recall their charms. And seriously, I say this as someone who's not the biggest Diablo Cody fan in the world and simply cannot watch The United States of Tara, her critically-revered show on Showtime, primarily because of the dialogue. This film is much better than it has any right to be, and deserves much better than the critical drubbing it received.



#3. All About Steve (Dir. Phil Trail)

I had no right seeing this movie, but Thomas Haden Church was in the film and I foolishly hoped he would salvage the film in some small way (and his scenes in the film are undoubtedly the most interesting). I was foolish to expect anything better than this. Sandra Bullock's other two films this year were surprisingly affable. This film is the absolute opposite of those, and is to be avoided at all cost.

See instead: The Proposal. Expect this film to pop up on Guilty Pleasures lists in the future by the dozens. In a perfect world, Betty White would be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. Put simply, this film is the reason I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. It's predictable, and no different from any other romantic comedy in any respect whatsoever...and yet, it works.



#2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Dir. Chris Weitz)

This film is bad on an epic scale, and for many reasons - but it avoids #1 because the worst film of the year is objectively the worst film of the year.
In addition to this, this film does give an independent studio with a track record for releasing interesting films by less-bankable filmmakers (such as Terrence Malick's upcoming Tree of Life, and Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker) more than enough extra capital to continue doing just that - and perhaps even money to begin marketing said films to bigger box office returns. So there's the up-side.
But this film is bad because 1) It allows Chris Weitz to shoot his mouth off at the now-defunct New Line Cinema - and however well-founded his accusations may be, they're just obnoxious. We know they didn't release YOUR CUT of The Golden Compass, and we've known that for a while. Perhaps you've had a rough time since that film sunk the studio, but you've managed to get work and at this point you're just being a bad sport. But I digress.
2) These films absolutely ruin vampires in every conceivable way, and are ultimately detrimental to our culture in much the same way a film like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is, as well.
The silver lining to this film's release and success? Taylor Lautner appears to be a pretty solid actor - affable enough, and probably more talented than I'm giving him credit for here, as he's survived the Twilight Saga to date.

See instead: Thirst. While not an unqualified success, Park Chan-Wook's latest brings everything one would expect the director of Oldboy to bring to a no-holds-barred vampire love story. This film is viciously violent, hopelessly romantic, and almost sadistically funny. There's nothing quite like it, and it stands comfortably alongside some of the more refreshing takes on the vampire genre in recent memory.



#1. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak)

Objectively, this is the worst film of the year. On a fundamental level - even in spite of Chris Klein's scenery-mastication every second he's in the frame - this film simply fails in every. single. respect. No film did more wrong more often than this film. This film is more offensively bad than New Moon, the characters more obnoxious than All About Steve, the aesthetic less inventive than Miss March, its thematic weight even lighter than Paper Heart, its cast less utilized than Cold Souls (although MUCH less promising in advance), its attempts to be a throw-back to the genre films of yesteryear less successful than Monsters Vs. Aliens, its awkward attempts at humor LESS funny than The Goods, its pedigree (renowned cinematographer Andrzej Bartkowiak behind the camera, directing) more misleading than The Final Destination 3-D, and its fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is appealing about its source material more egregious than even Marcus Nispel's remake/reboot of Friday the 13th. Categorically, this is the worst film of the year. Bad on an historic level.

See instead: The Other Nine Films On This List.

And now, the (Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - not substantial enough to earn my undying hatred, and actually contains one laugh-out-loud moment!

Dead Snow - More disappointing than anything, I was expecting something slightly less smugly sure of itself and more of a throw-back to an atmospheric or satiric zombie flick.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Its absence on the list of the 10 worst films of this year primarily illustrates my faults as a human being. I can't help but love watching giant robots fighting each other, even if I can't tell HOW exactly they're doing it. The film may be more than a touch racist, but it's subtle compared to...I dunno, Birth of a Nation or something. Everybody seems to like that movie okay.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Nothing overtly awful, just kind of dull and uninteresting. The first film had moments where I actually enjoyed myself, this one just felt tired.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - It's basically Die Hard, for kids, in a mall. All it really did was hurt the box office for Observe & Report, but that doesn't mean anything for future Jody Hill films because Hill, Danny McBride, and David Gordon Green have set up their own production shingle. So, really, this film was just a surprisingly successful effort and, really, everyone involved should furiously pat themselves on the back for a job well-done.

And here's a handful of almost painfully mediocre films that are nothing more or less than they promise:

The Men Who Stare At Goats - wastes a great story with a lackluster script.
The Surrogates - too slight to amount to anything.
Push - interesting setting, lacks any sense of urgency.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine - could have been written by a child (or the monkey from Congo)
9 - extremely disappointing story-wise, at least it features some brilliant animation.


Those are essentially the most mediocre films of the year, rounding out 20 of the worst.

There'll be much more decade stuff, and much more end-of-the-year stuff, but this will be it for tonight. There's a revolution going on Iran, and I have about 20-30 more films to finish before culling together a Best Films of 2009 list that even approaches comprehensiveness.

-Andrew Ford

The Decade That Was, Part I: [Thoughts] & My Decade of Flops

When this decade began, I was 11.

From what I can gather, this wasn't one of our better decades as a country. We ended up in a war for reasons that are dubious at best. We were the victims of a major terrorist attack, as well as the vindictive bitch-in-heat fury of Mother Nature. We literally only HALF-elected a president twice in a row who did more harm to this country and its image abroad than even the most cynical of political pundits could possibly have foreseen.

You know, context clues.

Of course it was a great decade for film. Out of adversity come great works, and in addition to the excellent batch of films we received this decade, technology made it feasible to enjoy them in the comfort of your own home in equal-or-greater quality than you could get in a theater. It was the age of the collector, it was the age of the DVD (and partially the Blu-Ray disc).

I bought my first DVD on my birthday in 2000 (Scream 3).

The illustrious first batch of DVDs was a grab-bag, but I remember vividly watching Gladiator for the first time that Christmas. I remember the old DVD player that I left hooked up wrong for nearly a year, where the picture would dim and then brighten, off-and-on, throughout the film, until I figured out how to hook it up properly.

And I suppose I could detail the discovery of every single film that lead me to pursue filmmaking as a potential career. Everything from my worn-out VHS copy of The Mummy (1999) to discovering Band of Outsiders my freshman year of college and literally standing up during the famous dancing scene in the cafe, where the music goes out and our narrator speaks, but we're also able to hear our characters still snapping in time with the song. I can't do it justice with words...



It may not seem so special now, but back in 2006, this was unlike anything I'd ever seen - and in such a simple way. Such a simple idea, well-executed. Godard opened me up to the language of cinema - regardless of the rest of his body of work, I owe him so much simply because of this one scene. Sure, Breathless and Contempt are masterpieces - particularly Contempt, but there's nothing like that first glimpse of his inimitable style. And for me, that happened to be with this film.

But I'm not here to discuss films past - I'm here as prelude to a discussion of films much more recent. I'm here to talk about this decade in film. It was a decade where I was discovering the classics alongside the films released every weekend. An average Friday night spent at home on Winter Break my Freshman year of college would consist of a triple-bill of The Rules of The Game, Wild Strawberries, and Rashomon on TCM - and a Saturday afternoon spent downloading the Oscar screener of Children of Men.

Which brings me to the internet, of course. Illegal downloading is frown-able-upon, I suppose - and I'm not even going to pretend I don't engage in it to an almost absurd degree - but if anyone can let me know how to contact the rights-holders of Inchon, I'll gladly get in touch with them in order to smooth out the legal issues concerning a DVD release. Until that time, however, I'll stick with my digital copy with out-of-sync audio that was recorded off of the now-defunct Moonie television network.

To close out this post, I'm going to list 10 ambitious flops from this decade that are actually worth checking out. Some of these, not all of these, are covered by Nathan Rabin's My Year of Flops articles on the A.V. Club. In these cases, I will link to said articles - because in a handful of cases, they're how I discovered the films.



#1. Southland Tales (2006)

You knew this was coming.

Also, what a gorgeous freaking poster, no?

Southland Tales, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin.

I'll keep things brief, as Rabin's article is top-notch, but let's just say I've seen this film several times, in each of its available iterations (via the internet, I've procured the Cannes Film Festival cut with showed on Sky TV in the UK, the other is the theatrical cut, available on DVD). Both versions are phenomenally dense, and never less than perplexing, but when Kelly's on his game, there's no filmmaker I'd rather follow on a descent into madness.



#2. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

I've heard arguments that this is genuinely a good movie, and I tend to agree with them, but there's no denying that this ludicrously ambitious effort hasn't quite been greeted with open arms by most. Let's just say it's a fun, 1980s-esque sci-fi actioner with a hint of mysticism to it and leave the comparisons to Avatar at that, shall we?



#3. Bad Boys II (2003)

Future generations will learn of our culture through this film, and this film alone. This remains Michael Bay's magnum opus, his crowning achievement, his masterpiece. Hell, the film even inspired Roger Ebert to ask if it was possible for a 'popcorn' film to 'out-popcorn' its audience. Perhaps, Mr. Ebert, perhaps, but if I'm to die of an overdose of something this amazing, this ball-shatteringly illiterate, this intoxicatingly insane, then so be it.



#4. Dreamcatcher (2003)

Dreamcatcher, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

As illustrated by Rabin's surreal recounting of the events of this film, what we have here is one of those blessed, all-too-rare instances where a lot of very talented people have an egregious lapse in judgment and choose to bring an atrocious, odd, and ultimately just ill-conceived project to completion. Directed by Lawrence Kasdan, Adapted by William Goldman, and starring among others the ever-noble Morgan Freeman and the unfortunately-Scientologist Jason Lee, this film should have lived up to the tension created by an excellent teaser trailer. It didn't. Smart went crazy. A mentally handicapable adult turns into an alien that saves the day. Maybe the mentally-handicapable have secretly been aliens testing our compassion all along? Maybe Stephen King was on a touch too many pain medications following his horrific car accident? Maybe, regardless, this film somehow makes the world a better place?



#5. The Wicker Man (2006)

The Wicker Man, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

I was fortunate enough to see this in theaters, before it became an internet sensation, and it remains one of the most incredible theater-going experiences of my entire life. There's a moment, about 20 minutes in, when the audience - who, mind you, had been on board through a lot of unconscionably hacky set-up at this point - turned on the film. It happens when Nicolas Cage is on a ferry, heading out to sea, and he thinks he sees the little girl he failed to save earlier in the film standing at the edge of the boat, looking out to sea.

An then all of a sudden a TRUCK comes out of NOWHERE and SMACKS into her!

And then Cage wakes up.

And the rest, my friends, must be seen to be fully understood and respected.



#6. It's All About Love (2003)

It's All About Love, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

Floating Ugandans. A medical anomaly where people's hearts simply stop beating. Sean Penn in an airplane for the entirety of the film, perpetually on a cell phone.

Ice skating Claire Danes clone assassins.

I've said enough. This film is too peculiar to pass up, and quite possibly some kind of David Lynch-esque mindfuck of the highest order.

That's right. I've seen it twice now, and I still don't know what the hell it's trying to do.



#7. Battlefield Earth (2000)

Battlefield Earth, My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

John Travolta shepherds a different breed of crazy to the screen, and - if you can manage to make it through the entire film - somehow, you've become a more complete human being.

This is by no means a good film. This is simply a film whose hubris must be seen to be believed. (I mean, LOOK at those codpieces!)




#8. Babylon A.D. (2008) & The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
I only begin cheating here because both of these films are extremely complex, ever-so-slightly compromised works that create odd, unusual worlds and don't get anywhere near the attention they deserve for their ingenuity and their many peculiarities.
Babylon A.D. is essentially Children of Men only shorter, stranger, and altogether less interesting (although it possesses remarkably inventive set-pieces).



Additionally, The Chronicles of Riddick's 'Underverse' remains one of the odder concepts introduced to science fiction film this decade.
Neither of these are anything too innovative, and any film in which the lead character outruns the sun certainly has its flaws, but both films are quite fascinating and remain strangely singular works from a pair of embattled auteurs, David Twohy and Mathieu Kassovitz.



#9. The Happening (2007)

Pound for idiotic pound, this is one of the the dumbest, most shockingly clueless films ever made. Naturally, it gets better (and funnier) with each passing viewing. Welcome to Killadelphia.

Short of John Leguizamo, none of the actors in this film turn in credible work, and nearly all of them are given something absolutely inane to say. Here, you can see the seams in the story even if you're not familiar with script structure. Shyamalan's effort is visible even to the naked, untrained eye. Ideas are introduced in one scene only because they must be established for the very next scene, with little thought given to character, tone, or suspense.

Honestly, this film is an absolute MUST-SEE. More fun than Shyamalan's previous misfire, Lady in the Water, and dumber than paste. Dumber than sea cucumbers. Less complex than most single-celled organisms. More awkward than a dugong. This film is the cinematic equivalent of your parents walking in on you masturbating.



#10. D-War (Dragon Wars) (2007)

D-War (Dragon Wars), My Year of Flops - by Nathan Rabin

Craig Robinson has been in some awful movies, but this is by far the most enjoyable. A South Korean epic action film that clocks in at about 82 minutes, features some of the most brain-dead acting this side of the Twilight series, and surprisingly boasts some decent special effects (even if they are used to sell action scenes that are more than content to simply repeat what's come before).

Yes, it's garbage - and yes, it's a touch too ambitious, but there are much, MUCH worse ways you can find to spend 82 minutes.

Honorable Mentions:

11. Torque (2004) - Here is a film that not only defies the laws of physics, it leaves a flaming bag of excrement on physics' doorstep.

12. House of the Dead/Postal (2003/2008) - Here's a pair of flip-sides to the Uwe Boll oeuvre of grotesqueries. One unintentionally seals its fate as one of the most unimaginably awful films ever made (while remaining hilarious), while the other serves as some strange missing link of spoof films that fits somewhere between the Zucker Bros. and the Friedberg/Seltzer abortions.

13. Van Helsing (2004) - Hey, I like it. Leave me alone.

14. War, Inc. (2008) - Mining the same vein of insanity as Southland Tales, this one's definitely worth a look if you're a John Cusack, Hilary Duff, or Montel Williams fan. Yes, they're all in this film.

I'd make a list of what films to avoid, but that would be nearly endless - and could possibly lead to my head exploding.

____________________________________________________

And now, come the end of the decade, I've turned 21 and must once again this New Year's resolve to put away childish things, gain wisdom, get a good job and, hopefully, one day be married for my ample fortune.

In all seriousness, this could be the beginning of the very last annual/decade list I'll ever create, as I hope to be busy with a job/career in the near future, so I'll leave you all with this, in the spirit of the decade, and all that it stood for:



- Andrew Ford

Episode 7 - Cemetery Without Crosses & The Shooting

In this long awaited episode we discuss the weird and surreal Spaghetti Western "Cemetery Without Crosses" and the Monte Hellman (Two Lane Blacktop, Cockfighter) directed Warren Oates starring, "The Shooting".

PLAY/DOWNLOAD

Cemetery Without Crosses & The Shooting Trailers

My Life Through Sylvester Stallone Movies

“My Life Through Sylvester Stallone Movies”
By Eli J Osman

Being a film fanatic and spending most of my waking life thinking, talking, and/or watching movies. Each film I’ve seen has its own special moment to me; some moments are small and some are lost or some barely remembered. Some even involve the films of beloved actor, writer, director, and for a limited time country singer, Sylvester Stallone.

Demolition Man (1993)
Character – John Spartan

I once ate dinner under the naked frozen body of Stallone from this movie at a Planet Hollywood restaurant in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was really surreal and a little unsettling eating my New York style Cheesecake under a naked frozen body. I took a picture with my disposable camera. The cheesecake was good.

Judge Dredd (1995)
Character – Judge Dredd

After seeing this movie when it came out on video, I spent an entire week afterwards constantly repeating the line, “I AM THE LAW” in brilliant Stallone fashion. This process would repeat after every viewing.

Oscar (1991)
Character – Angelo ‘Snaps’ Provolone

I once saw someone selling one hundred copies of the DVD on eBay with a “Buy it now” price of $300. It was very tempting to purchase this lot of one hundred DVDs. Who in their right mind would sell one hundred copies of the same movie, especially a mediocre screwball gangster comedy from the early nineties? I assumed the only person who would have one hundred copies of Oscar in the first place, would be director John Landis or Stallone himself. If in the future, I randomly give you a copy of Oscar on DVD one of two things has happened; I have ran into some extra cash or I have got completely insane.

Victory (1981)
Character – Captain Robert Hatch

This was the first and as of now the only movie, I saw that feature an actor with the last name of Osman. Sadly, that actor played a Nazi.

Over the Top (1987)
Character – Lincoln Hawk

Because of this movie, I refer arm wrestling as playing “Over the Top”. But I always have to explain myself every time I use it.

The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (1970)
Character – Stud

This is Stallone’s first movie. It is also a softcore porn. My only viewing of this film was with a group of people I had just met. I was currently working on a horror short film and went to a guy house to get my stomach casted so I could get my guts ripped out. His roommates just got back from seeing porn star Ron Jeremy speak and was in the mood to watch some cheesy seventies porn. As his roommates piled in the living room, I was standing in the middle of the room with my shirt off having my stomach rubbed down with plaster. To make matters even stranger, one of his roommates started taking pictures of this process for his portfolio. Oddly, his roommates seemed really jaded by a half naked guy getting a rub down in front of them while watching the love-makings of Stallone. I now sympathize with young aspiring actresses that get pressured into porn and I understand the mind of Sylvester Stallone. I realize, out of shame comes greatness.

Rambo (2008)
Character – John Rambo

GREATNESS.