Monday, December 28, 2009

The 10 Worst Films of 2009 & (Dis)Honorable Mentions.



It's that time of year again. There's still about a dozen films I haven't seen - many of which I'm simply unable TO see. Nevertheless, there's something to be said for comprehensiveness. At the end of this year, we're looking at a whopping 123 releases that I have seen (this is out of a recorded 342, mind you, and with many more still to be seen).

A handful of these are straight-to-DVD releases that may have played festivals in previous years, and perhaps even received a limited theatrical release by the end of 2008. Regardless, I wasn't able to see any of these films by any means, conventional or otherwise, in 2008, so they've ended up on this list.

As always, there are plenty of films I haven't seen simply because I. Am. Not. Interested. And there's an additional handful of films I'm quite interested in, that I'm certain will have no real bearing upon this list.

With that said, let the countdown begin:



#10. Friday the 13th (Dir. Marcus Nispel)

That's right. Here is a film that fails even to match the low standards set by the series PRIOR to this past February. Here is a film that displays a keen failure on the part of Nispel, on the part of the screenwriters, and on the part of the producers (the enemies of all things sacred: Platinum Dunes) to grasp what it is that makes the Friday the 13th series so gosh-darn wonderful. Nispel had already displayed a general disdain for/ignorance towards an absolute horror masterpiece with his 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, so I suppose it was foolish to hope he'd approach a remake of a far less prestigious horror film with anything other than more of the same, but a hint of nuance would have been nice.
The film starts off promising, honestly. I was on board with the film through the opening title card. I thought it was a ballsy move on the part of the filmmakers, I really did. And then the rest of the film showed up, and - although I maintain that the Friday the 13th genre simply CANNOT be ruined - Marcus Nispel tried his damnedest to ruin it.

See instead: January's My Bloody Valentine 3-D plays up the camp inherent in its 3-D gimmick, and delivers plenty of fun whilst never taking itself too seriously and simply realizing that it could not approach the atmospheric and eerie nature of the original. It also got the original cut of its predecessor released on DVD at long last, with the excised gore scenes intact. So there's that.



#9. The Final Destination 3-D (Dir. David R. Ellis)

How do you take a concept seemingly tailor-made for 3-D and ruin it? If your answer was 'hire the director behind the most successful installment of the series to date,' then I'd be surprised. And yet, that's exactly what Ellis did. 'Death Saved the Best for Last'? Nice try, but no dice.

See instead: Halloween II. See it because it's completely, bug-fuck insane from beginning-to-end, but expect all of Zombie's trademark redneck-isms to not only remain intact, but to be dialed up to 11. What's shameful is that he HAS such evident talent, and he's saddled it with such awful material. Nevertheless, this film - despite its flaws - is well worth checking out. Just don't pay too much to see it.



#8. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (Dir. Neal Brennan)

Craig Robinson can't even save this movie, despite appearing as a character named DJ Request (who does not take requests). One of the most painfully un-funny comedies in recent memory.

See instead: Land of the Lost. Though the film is decidedly not family-friendly, this is the kind of film I could see myself watching over and over again as a child. The filmic equivalent of junk food cereal and Saturday morning cartoons, this film certainly didn't deserve to bomb at the box office like it did.



#7. Monsters Vs. Aliens (Dir. Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon)

I know what you're thinking - there's NO WAY it was that bad! Here I appear to be in the minority, but I simply could not tolerate the film from the first minute. There are no characters, there's no real story, and the entire animation aesthetic feels just...off. What should have been a delightful throwback to 1950s schlocky sci-fi B-movies, simply...isn't.

See instead: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, because it is the best 1980s blockbuster throwback since the 1980s, and even though its characters are the most broad archetypes imaginable, they're still characters, there's still some sort of story here, and there's a plethora of fun visual effects work on display.



#6. Cold Souls (Dir. Sophie Barthes)

Yeesh. Where do I begin. The Most Tedious Film of the Year. Not energetic enough to be truly awful, and not decisive enough to have anything to say, this film wastes considerable resources doing and saying nothing of any interest. The most cold, empty film in recent memory.

See instead: Visioneers. Both films are tiny indies with heady concepts executable on a low-budget, but Visioneers is much better at playing its premise for subtle laughs, and utilizes its also-excellent cast MUCH better than Cold Souls.



#5. Paper Heart (Dir. Nicolas Jasenovec)

A film about love made by people who could not be more naive or ignorant on the topic for people who are callow enough to listen to them. Personal vendetta aside ($12.50 spent on a ticket to this at the Angelika in New York!), the film is a mess that attempts to overcome its flaws with unconscionable levels of whimsy. This is the most insufferably precocious film of the year, potentially of all time.

See instead: (500) Days of Summer. Because next to Paper Heart, this film is a freaking paean to nuance and wisdom. Though I'm not terribly in love with the film, it literally does everything Paper Heart is trying to do, only better. An infinitely superior film covering like subject matter.



#4. Miss March (Dir. Zach Cregger, Trever Moore)

The Whitest Kids U Know are a clever sketch comedy troupe, and many of their sketches are quite humorous. I enjoy sharing many of their works with my friends, and find the two who made this film to be quite enjoyable in the videos in which they appear.
The only reason this isn't the worst film of the year is because, for some perverse reason, I have a soft spot for lame 1980s sex comedies. This is a throwback in the worst possible way, but it's still a throwback.
Craig Robinson cannot save this film, either, despite appearing as a character named Horsedick(.mpeg).

See instead: Jennifer's Body. Because the dialogue isn't quite as oppressively stylized as it was in the beginning of Juno. Because this is nowhere near as bad as you've likely been led to believe. And because this is a throwback to 1980s horror-comedies that manages to acutely recall their charms. And seriously, I say this as someone who's not the biggest Diablo Cody fan in the world and simply cannot watch The United States of Tara, her critically-revered show on Showtime, primarily because of the dialogue. This film is much better than it has any right to be, and deserves much better than the critical drubbing it received.



#3. All About Steve (Dir. Phil Trail)

I had no right seeing this movie, but Thomas Haden Church was in the film and I foolishly hoped he would salvage the film in some small way (and his scenes in the film are undoubtedly the most interesting). I was foolish to expect anything better than this. Sandra Bullock's other two films this year were surprisingly affable. This film is the absolute opposite of those, and is to be avoided at all cost.

See instead: The Proposal. Expect this film to pop up on Guilty Pleasures lists in the future by the dozens. In a perfect world, Betty White would be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. Put simply, this film is the reason I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. It's predictable, and no different from any other romantic comedy in any respect whatsoever...and yet, it works.



#2. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Dir. Chris Weitz)

This film is bad on an epic scale, and for many reasons - but it avoids #1 because the worst film of the year is objectively the worst film of the year.
In addition to this, this film does give an independent studio with a track record for releasing interesting films by less-bankable filmmakers (such as Terrence Malick's upcoming Tree of Life, and Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker) more than enough extra capital to continue doing just that - and perhaps even money to begin marketing said films to bigger box office returns. So there's the up-side.
But this film is bad because 1) It allows Chris Weitz to shoot his mouth off at the now-defunct New Line Cinema - and however well-founded his accusations may be, they're just obnoxious. We know they didn't release YOUR CUT of The Golden Compass, and we've known that for a while. Perhaps you've had a rough time since that film sunk the studio, but you've managed to get work and at this point you're just being a bad sport. But I digress.
2) These films absolutely ruin vampires in every conceivable way, and are ultimately detrimental to our culture in much the same way a film like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is, as well.
The silver lining to this film's release and success? Taylor Lautner appears to be a pretty solid actor - affable enough, and probably more talented than I'm giving him credit for here, as he's survived the Twilight Saga to date.

See instead: Thirst. While not an unqualified success, Park Chan-Wook's latest brings everything one would expect the director of Oldboy to bring to a no-holds-barred vampire love story. This film is viciously violent, hopelessly romantic, and almost sadistically funny. There's nothing quite like it, and it stands comfortably alongside some of the more refreshing takes on the vampire genre in recent memory.



#1. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li (Dir. Andrzej Bartkowiak)

Objectively, this is the worst film of the year. On a fundamental level - even in spite of Chris Klein's scenery-mastication every second he's in the frame - this film simply fails in every. single. respect. No film did more wrong more often than this film. This film is more offensively bad than New Moon, the characters more obnoxious than All About Steve, the aesthetic less inventive than Miss March, its thematic weight even lighter than Paper Heart, its cast less utilized than Cold Souls (although MUCH less promising in advance), its attempts to be a throw-back to the genre films of yesteryear less successful than Monsters Vs. Aliens, its awkward attempts at humor LESS funny than The Goods, its pedigree (renowned cinematographer Andrzej Bartkowiak behind the camera, directing) more misleading than The Final Destination 3-D, and its fundamental misunderstanding of what exactly is appealing about its source material more egregious than even Marcus Nispel's remake/reboot of Friday the 13th. Categorically, this is the worst film of the year. Bad on an historic level.

See instead: The Other Nine Films On This List.

And now, the (Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - not substantial enough to earn my undying hatred, and actually contains one laugh-out-loud moment!

Dead Snow - More disappointing than anything, I was expecting something slightly less smugly sure of itself and more of a throw-back to an atmospheric or satiric zombie flick.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
- Its absence on the list of the 10 worst films of this year primarily illustrates my faults as a human being. I can't help but love watching giant robots fighting each other, even if I can't tell HOW exactly they're doing it. The film may be more than a touch racist, but it's subtle compared to...I dunno, Birth of a Nation or something. Everybody seems to like that movie okay.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Nothing overtly awful, just kind of dull and uninteresting. The first film had moments where I actually enjoyed myself, this one just felt tired.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop - It's basically Die Hard, for kids, in a mall. All it really did was hurt the box office for Observe & Report, but that doesn't mean anything for future Jody Hill films because Hill, Danny McBride, and David Gordon Green have set up their own production shingle. So, really, this film was just a surprisingly successful effort and, really, everyone involved should furiously pat themselves on the back for a job well-done.

And here's a handful of almost painfully mediocre films that are nothing more or less than they promise:

The Men Who Stare At Goats - wastes a great story with a lackluster script.
The Surrogates - too slight to amount to anything.
Push - interesting setting, lacks any sense of urgency.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine - could have been written by a child (or the monkey from Congo)
9 - extremely disappointing story-wise, at least it features some brilliant animation.


Those are essentially the most mediocre films of the year, rounding out 20 of the worst.

There'll be much more decade stuff, and much more end-of-the-year stuff, but this will be it for tonight. There's a revolution going on Iran, and I have about 20-30 more films to finish before culling together a Best Films of 2009 list that even approaches comprehensiveness.

-Andrew Ford